Cardiff family lifestyle, arts and culture blog.

10/07/2017

My Miscarriage and Me: The Loss.



'Someone's popular!' The postman smiles as he hands me the box. My words stick in my throat and I hold the tears back, forcing a smile as I receive the flowers. Flowers of sympathy and kindness... If only he knew.



This should have been my pregnancy announcement post. Telling the world how excited we were about the baby we've wanted for so long. Instead this post is about the baby that will never be, the baby we never had the honour to meet, the baby who couldn't be George and Molly's little brother or sister, the baby who we'll never name. 

It all began last Sunday, and since then I've had a lot of time to think. A lot of time to reflect and a lot of time to cry. I'm still crying. We're still crying. I don't think we'll ever stop.



I'd told some people the good news; I'd felt such joy sharing the news because we really didn't know if it would happen or not after a year of health issues. The thought of telling each person that, in fact, we'd 'lost the baby' (we're still losing the baby, a week later) was devastating. I couldn't imagine sending a message to every friend, every contact I'm supposed to be working with, every stranger who overheard Molly squeal with joy, 'We're having a baby!'.I also couldn't imagine friends sharing the 'news'; it's too awful to imagine, the news spreading without me even realising it...
Without me even having the chance to feel strong enough to write this. In fact, it wasn't the writing that was hard, it was hitting publish. My stomac lurched every single time I hovered over the button, but today I felt it had to be done. I had to put it out there, on my terms.

This week has been the worst week of my life. If you know me, you'll know I'm madly in love with Warren, the man who changed me from single and loving it to married and completely broody. He is my soulmate, as cheesy as it sounds. And the thought of our child not making it into this world, well it wasn't something I thought I'd be facing, but now I am, I can tell you, it's f***ing sh**. I am so angry and sad all at once.



Obviously, there have been a lot of emotions felt this week, from anger to confusion, but I think my overall feeling this week has been one of loss; loss of a child, loss of a brother or sister for George and Molly, loss of joy, loss of life...

There is a void and I feel hollow.

I've woken up each morning in that wonderful haze of innocence, then the reality of what has happened/is happening hits me. That moment of grief and loss is the worst feeling in the world.



I also feel very lost in myself. I researched various things, looked for help and words of comfort online, and I found very little. This shocked me because I needed to feed on the words of comfort from others who were like me.

Because I couldn't find much, I turned to writing it down myself. In the end it made sense to put it into words and share it with others who may be going through similar experiences and feelings of loss. When I started writing I felt my tummy flip, nervous for so many reasons. Nervous to put it out there, nervous incase I say the wrong thing, nervous incase someone is angry because they didn't find out before reading this...

Then I realised, this isn't about all of that. This is about grief and sadness, it's about emotions and feelings, healing and dealing with the pain. It's not about other people, but it is here to help other people.

I will be sharing some of my thoughts and feelings over the next few weeks in a series of posts and I hope they help you, if you too have lost. I also hope they'll help people who haven't experienced loss help those that have. 




I not only want to vent and heal through the written words of my posts, but I also want to reach out and help those who feel the same, those who have lost, those who are grieving.



I want you to know, you are not alone.







Note: I write this all from my own experiences, thoughts and feelings. I write this as a person who already has children. I write this honestly, but it does not mean everyone will feel or experience the same things. I write this to heal and to reach out to others who have experienced loss.
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7 comments

  1. Much love my babes. Such a hard time for you right now xxxxx

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  2. Thank you Jess, really appreciate your support x

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  3. Darn it ! Life can be an absolute dick at times. Two wonderful humans deserve light and love not sadness and loss. Angel babies the purest of souls too good and beautiful for this earth and the crap that happens upon it right now. Big hugs and to Mollie and George too xx

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  4. Sue, thank you gorgeous. I read that quote the other day and it broke my heart. They're dealing with it in very different ways xxx

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  5. Oh Kelly. I can't imagine how sad you must be. I'm sat here crying for you all. I wish I had words of comfort or wisdom but sadly I have none. Big hugs to you all xx. Sally

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    1. Thank you Sally. Hugs are very much appreciated right now xxx

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  6. Sending you and your family love and healing thoughts. I've lit a candle for little soul; I hope he or she will find their way back to the warmth of your family. Adding to the hugs being sent your way from all those who love and care about you. You're not alone xxx

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